Warning label attached

She is difficult to love, but only in the sense that she has high standards. She is unwilling to settle for one-sided love. If you are going to enter a relationship with her, you need to commit. She is not interested in holding half of your heart or half of your attention. She wants all or nothing.
She knows what she deserves, which is why you should expect her to speak up whenever you disrespect her. She will not allow anyone to walk over her heels. If you hurt her, you are going to hear about it. She refuses to bottle up her emotions because being authentic is in her blood. She doesn’t know any other way to conduct herself.
She has a fire within her that she is unafraid of releasing. When she is angry, she will spend hours ranting about whatever is on her mind. When she is upset, she will cry buckets in front of you. She won’t pretend everything is okay when she feels like her world is falling apart. She will be real with you, even when you would rather hear pretty lies.
If you want her, you are going to have to fight for the relationship. She will do the same, but she won’t do it alone. She won’t be the only person putting effort into your love.
She is not easy to love because she will do what is right, not what is comfortable. She won’t let you get away with murder. When you screw up, she won’t forgive you if it seems like your apologies are inauthentic. She won’t give you a third chance if you have proven you cannot be trusted. She won’t put you before herself because she loves herself.
The thought of being single does not scare her — and that’s what makes her such a force to be reckoned with. If you hurt her, she will not hesitate to leave you. It doesn’t matter how much she cares about you. If you stop treating her well, she will stop coming around. She will drop you the second she gets reduced to your second choice.
Because of her high standards, you might consider her difficult to love, but she is also difficult to forget.
She is the kind of person who will stay stuck on your mind years after leaving. You will struggle to get over her. You won’t be able to find anyone else like her.
After she leaves, you will miss the way she looked at you like you were the only person she saw. The way she told the truth even when a lie would be easier. The way she never let anyone else stop her from speaking her mind.
Long after she leaves, you will still be trying to figure out a way to get her back, because you won’t want to live without her. Even though you felt like she was difficult to love while you still had her, you are going to realize how much more difficult it is to forget her

“She’s like broken
a glass.
Dangerous
with sharp
edges;
but beautifully
complex.”

Reflection

 

My tears streamed down my face, desperately grasping at narratives to try and justify her absence from my entire life. Forgetting that I am now grown, I think for a moment that I can start again and give her everything she never gave me. Sometimes I wish that impossibility could be true. Then again, is it naïve to assume just because someone grew you in your womb that your presence would have a positive impact on your life? It started with a physically absent biological mother and ended with an emotionally absent soul. Both are broken in different ways, they are full of anger and sadness that flow from their neglected inner worlds, and in turn, they can only see their external world through half-empty glasses. Sometimes people can do bad things for good reasons and good things for bad reasons, and sometimes it’s both. But mostly, they are just lost in a kaleidoscope of emotion, unknowingly casting people around them under the same spell. The only way this can be lifted is by looking deep into the anger and pain while catching your own reflection. I like to think I can break this legacy of trauma by trying to understand my own demons so equally I can try and understand yours. The most healing thing is to try and see the mirror image in our emotional experiences because this allows room for empathy and forgiveness. I wish I could have seen myself reflected in the mirror of my mother’s sadness, but I didn’t. 

A Reminder

Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made, or by dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused. 

- Alan Cohen