A traitor to the clan

 

I’m in pain , I’m enraged. Hurt by the very people that I share blood with. Mentally and physically worn down by the scars of abandonment. Maybe I sabotage myself on purpose because I’m not feeling worthy of being loved. It's instilled from childhood,  you learn from the people that raised you. I’ve been sitting in my own head struggling with these demons. It’s all so  complicated but you don’t fucking know me.

 
All the self-help books, Tony Robbins’ speeches, and ice cream in the world can't heal the Betrayal, abandonment, deceit and manipulation.
Damaged, broken and scared . But so are shooting stars and comets.
Just one big dysfunctional family

Anybody who grew up in a dysfunctional family knows one of the cardinal rules: The person who mentions a problem is the person who caused the problem.
Let some low-on-the-family-totem-pole person raise a destructive issue that’s hidden in plain sight and all hell breaks loose.
No, the family doesn’t suddenly wake up and say, “OMG, you’re right. We have to do something about that!” Instead, everyone within earshot rounds on the poor sap who dared mention the family secret and the bullying begins:
“Why are you always such a troublemaker?”
“If you’d just learn to keep your mouth shut, everything would be fine.”
“If you were a better person, your mother wouldn’t drink so much!” (Or your uncle wouldn’t come on to you or your parents wouldn’t argue so much or your father wouldn’t have deserted the family or whatever.)
And so on and so on. It’s absolutely depressing how alike dysfunctional families are. Worse, let said this poor sap, in desperation, take his complaint outside the family in an attempt to get help and … well, you ain’t seen hell until you’ve seen that.
Because then this sap is not only a liar, a troublemaker, a tramp, a weakling, or whatever else s/he’s being scapegoated for. Then the sap is disloyal. A traitor to the clan. A violator of the code of silence.

And you are loved

I have seen your forgiving heart.

I have seen your grace.

I have seen you be selfless so many times, giving all your love to the ones closest to you, and even to strangers. I have seen you smile on your worst days, and find the strength to keep on giving, even when you can barely lift your head.

You are incredibly beautiful, inside and out, never giving up on the ones you love, even when you’re exhausted by the world.

I watch you, day after day, pick up the chipped pieces of yourself and stick them together with a tape that’s barely strong enough to get you through the next night.

Yet you continue.

You give your heart to people who don’t see your beauty through the brokenness. You console and comfort friends who do not understand the power of your care, your forgiveness.

You surround yourself with people that you need to fix, with people that you must work to love. But even when you fall into your bed at the end of each night, you don’t see what an incredible difference you’ve made.

You think that you deserve the cold words, the turned faces. You think you deserve friends that pull away and men who don’t love you back.

You somehow turn everything back to yourself, and wonder if you’ll ever be good enough.

Well you are good enough.

You’re more than enough.

I wish I could tell you that you are noticed. That the wonderful, little ways you brighten people’s lives are important. Are valued. I wish I could tell you that your eyes sparkle and bring life to ones’ whose days feel dull and empty. That your smile lifts people from their anger. That your laugh makes those around you want to close their eyes and lean their heads back to bask in the sweet sound.

I wish I could tell you that God has made you perfect, just as you are—a fighter, a sinner, a flawed and broken and beautiful warrior of love.

I wish I could tell you to keep loving, even when the world looks the other way.

I wish I could tell you that sometimes you give your heart to people who don’t deserve it, in love or in friendship, and it becomes a hard lesson learned.

I wish I could tell you that you must never accept a half-love, a love that is nowhere near the amount you give.

I wish I could tell you that you are a blessing to so many people.

And that you need to bless yourself sometimes.

I wish I could tell you that life will be so hard, but you must keep on living. That you must find reasons to celebrate, to pull strength, to stay pure, even when people hurt you.

I wish I could tell you that you will face so much pain, but you cannot let it break you. You must find a way to see yourself, your worth, and know that you are an important part of this world.

I wish I could tell you that you matter.

And you are loved

 

An Uncomfortable Letter To Myself

 

I’ll get straight to the point. 

You're at an all-time low in your life. 
You've been like this for the past few years.
You've let time pass by without taking care of your broken scars.
Feeling flawed, empty, and alone, and out of touch with your feelings.  Alone and no sense of belonging. 
It's hard to know what you want, feel, or need. 
It's hard to believe that it matters. 
It's hard to feel that you matter.
I think it's time to do something about those 
missed opportunities and allow yourself to heal. 
Stop internalizing. Being alone is frightening, unbearable, and is suffocating you.
Your Inner Child needs to know:
You were a lovely little girl. Your eyes bright, your smile large. 
I am sorry that they didn't know how to love you, 
validate you, and encourage you. 
I am sorry that they wanted you to fit into a
box that was too small to hold your spirit. 
I am sorry that they made you feel bad for just being you. 
Snap at you for breathing. 
They wanted you to extend their ideals, 
a reflection of their "so-called" perfection. 
They could not just hug you and love you, for the expansive person you are. They wanted to make you smaller, quieter, less intelligent, less strong, less brave.
I am sorry your mom was so inconsistent with her treatment of you. 
You could never depend on her having time or affection for you. 
That she did not protect you. She did not comfort you when you needed her the most. 
The physical abuse was not your fault. 
She broke her bond with you every time
she placed you into another household. 
You never missed your family. 
They were not a source of support or comfort. 
The home was never safe. 
I am sorry for that. 
You deserved better. 
You will get better.
You are an amazing person. 
You are so very emphatic. 
Trust yourself to do the right thing. 
You are worth love and pleasant and enjoyable life. 
You deserved so much more than your family gave you. 
I am sorry that they not only didn't help you
but often sabotaged you. I am sorry they tell you that
you are wrong about things you remember and they do not.
I am sorry that your family is not safe, 
or a loving place that it should be.
I am sorry you were short-changed with shallow, 
immature people that were so wrapped up in themselves,
that they had no time, energy, or love to give you. 
I am sorry that you think you are only worth
scraps of affection or time from people that
claim to love you.
Seeing you sitting there in a dark corner
With your knees hugging your chest, 
dust covering you like a second layer of skin, 
cobwebs becoming one with your fingertips. 
Insecurities, broken dreams, and discarded hopes 
wrapped around you like armor. As if you've never seen the light of day. Never kissed the rays of the sun or sang along with the morning breeze. There was no dancing with the spring flowers or watched the leaves play at being chameleons every fall.
Telling yourself, in the light people will judge you.
You'd rather isolate yourself in an icy dark corner where it's safer. 
For you, the light is to be rejected and tormented. 
It's better this way, you said.
Listen carefully, feeling the pain is part of the healing.
Trust the process.
The only person who can save you is yourself. 
This isn't a fairy tale, this isn't a movie. 
Prince Charming will not swoop in and save your dark soul. 
Only you can save yourself.
Stop numbing pain with harmful substances.
Listen to your heart and listen to your gut. 
Do not give the key to your happiness to someone else. 
I know that you are afraid to relive the trauma,
however, the time for healing has come. 
No amount of self-help books, Tony Robbins' speeches,
or ice cream in the world will ever erase the betrayal
of a narcissistic mother. 
Like the common cold of the soul, you just have to accept it. 
Love and appreciate yourself. Continue to live outside your comfort zone, know that your potential is limitless.
You are a strong-willed, stubborn, beautiful, and intelligent woman. Live your life passionately, let it radiate from your soul. Make magic. 
You got this