Does the crap ever stop?

Does it ever stop? Does the crap ever stop? Does it ever get to the point where everything in your life is going great at the same time for any length of time? Does there ever come a day, when the warm sunny days come more frequently and last longer than the blistering cold nights?

I once thought that if I had the man my dreams and the love of my life all will be well. I also thought that if I had the money, not a lot of money, just enough to pay the bills on time and have a little bit of change left over, things would be great. Nope!

Now, out after overcoming seemingly insurmountable obstacles, weathering devastating disasters, moving through mind-boggling challenges, I was ready.

As a lay in the grass, watching my friends' dollar dog poop on the carpet, I finally got it! Life is about cleaning up the crap and, while you’re doing it, being okay with the fact that you have to do it.  Life is about being willing to take your naked body, your most vulnerable self, out of the warm water where you are comfortable, and clean up the crap without getting angry and losing yourself in the process.

A word of caution. You can’t get caught up in the crap! If you do, you will surely lose sight of the real meaning of life and lose yourself as I have done.  I finally understood I could not get caught up in what looks like, smells like, or how much of the crap is in front of me.

There were days when I would leave the little things in my life undone, or half did, in fear of making someone mad at me, in fear of losing their love. Sometimes just to make myself look tougher than I really was? There were times when I would sulk and cry about what I thought someone was doing or had done to me, believing that I was totally powerless to do anything about it. In many ways, I allowed myself to duck and dodge unpleasant situations in my life to avoid confrontation. This, however, was not one of those days, time, or ways.

I was choosing not to live like that any longer. I had spent enough days reflecting on this, in other people’s bathtubs to know that if you leave even a little bit of crap laying around in your life, eventually it will start to smell really, really bad. There are things in my life and about my life that has absolutely nothing to do with who I am now.  I have to figure out how to read my life of the nagging little struggles, bits, and bouts of confusion, unexpected chaos that continue to crop up.

It was time, to tell the truth. I am damage,  tribeless, with deep scars.